Writings shared from anonymous member of
The Mending Word
10 Part Series

I was deaf when she asked me to go out with her more often to spend quality time.
I’m listening now but it’s too late for me and her.
I was unappreciative – though my lot was rough, there were diamonds.
I’m positive I was dealt a great hand despite my misfortunes – I don’t take the good stuff for granted anymore.

I was always busy with friends, school and work.
I still am, but now I make time for what matters.
I was someone who prayed.
I am someone who writes “omg” quite a lot in my texts – but now I contemplate god when I do.
I watched a lot of TV, but I work more in the evenings now.
I was spending my days in the hospital with her. Now I spend my days at home.
I would go to the city every single week, but now I’m more of a homebody.
I didn’t mind being alone – but I really can’t stand it now.
I blamed her for my problems – now, I blame the world for mistreating her.
I used my time without thought – I still do but now I think about death.
I was never keen to spend time with her.
But now I miss her.

Writings shared from Zipporah,
member of
The Mending Word
10 Part Series

It’s hard for me to think about who I was
Before
Because it brings me back to
Stored away memories
Shared spaces
With all the ones I have loved
And lost.
Who was I?
Chased by ongoing anxiety
A fear of not being
Enough
Or doing enough
So I did
And I was
But I wasn’t fully present
And never felt like I did
Enough.
And death visited
In many forms
Each one more demanding then the next
When does it end?
So I began to go slow
At first by force.
Grief had me drowning
In a strong current
It kicked me into a
Stormy sea
The breath knocked out of me
Lungs smashed in my ribcage
Arms tied behind
Legs filled with guilt.
So of course I can
Only move slowly.
Before the grief glasses
I was light on my feet
And quick with my head.
I partied
I hosted
I planned
And I ran and ran
And ran.
I wore many hats
Now I wear but one
And it’s heavy
Heavier than all the
Previous hats I wore
Those I threw off.
Before the grief glasses
I took advantage of
The living
There’s always next time
Until there isn’t.

• Zipporah Thaler, 9.21.22

Writings shared from Mushky,
member of
The Mending Word
10 Part Series

It’s hard to think of what life was like “before.”

When my biggest worry was budgeting and marrying someone my parents approved of.

Parents.

Even saying that word feels strange, as if I didn’t have a mother for 30 years and a father for 32. I used to go through my day without a constant pain in my chest. I’d call my mom on my drive to work, never thinking twice about it. I’d excitedly plan the next holiday I would fly in to see my parents or when they would next be visiting LA. I wouldn’t feel anxious looking at social media, worried now if I see my moms friends it would trigger me.

Every time I see an older person I get an anxious feeling, wishing my mother and father lived to be that age. I feel resentful and jealous.

I have become so jealous.

I wasn’t always like this.

I used to be thankful.

Happy.

Calm.

I used to have less anxiety. I didn’t see the world and my future with constant pain.

I used to get excited seeing my parents as grandparents, excited for the day they would be grandparents to my kids.

Music.

Music used to be more simple. I’d listen to heartbreak songs but never felt the pain that can resonate with a song until now.

Smells.

Smells used to bring good memories or nothing at all - everything didn’t feel so heavy. It's like the loss of my parents has taken over every part of me. It’s as if everything always has a deeper meaning.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a deep breath, have everything the way it was “before.”

When a magazine was just a fun way to kill time, not a reminder of my mother.

When a cup of coffee was just something to wake me up, not a reminder of my father.

When mentioning where I was from was just small talk, not where they are now buried.

When seeing crepes and pears were just food, not triggers into my pain.

Everything used to be simple or less invasive.

I hate how everything has double meanings now.

I wish I could have it go back but I know I can’t.

• Mushky Brady, 9.21.22