Inventory of Being

I am Bonnie.

I am 32 years old. New wrinkles creep up on my face (& soul) every day. Some from my trips around the sun - most from the trauma of the last 6.5 months. I have curly brown hair and almond shaped, hazel eyes that change color in the sun or with the color of my shirt. I am 5’7 - almost 5’8 - which doesn’t matter to anyone but me and my LaDuca clad career. I am a sister, an aunt, a niece and a friend. I am a daughter..was? A daughter? I am an empath, a giver, a teacher and a leader. I am willful, spiritual and helpful. I can be blunt and too transparent. I’m usually aware when my mouth moves faster than my mind and heart. I love moving my body. I love music and wine. I love the idea of reconnecting to all of the other things I enjoy that I’ve lost sight of while trying to stay afloat in the murky, black water that is my life. I long for the before. Right now, I dream. Not at night - those don’t happen anymore - or right now, anyway. I dream of the days ahead where I feel like the person people seem to know from the past. I think I knew her, too. Whoever I am now feels like a total stranger. Sad, deep, a little dark. Older and angrier…and rightfully so. I want to heal, to be peaceful. I want to feel freer and lighter. I want to go back. I tell people I don’t pray - total lie. I pray daily - just in MY way. I pray for answers, for my family and selfishly for myself. I pray for guidance in the “new.” The new blurry and unforeseen future. The life I thought I would know has drastically changed. What could even come next? I’m Bonnie. It’s 2022.